UPDATE: The Christmas production schedule apparently led to my column not running in its usual Sunday spot again. Generally, I am the last to know in these situations. I expect the column will run during the week before the New Year. At least that’s usually how this goes.
This is my weekly column for the Sunday, Dec. 28, 2008 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune. It’s also my 29th birthday today. This means next year provides my last year to promote my writing as that of an “under-30 professional making a life in a blue collar utopia.” After that, I’m just another poor bastard shopping a novel in his 30s working in the town where he was born. Be kind, 2009!
Also, I need to give a shout out to Christina’s cousin Ann for sending me the Sarah Palin line on Facebook. Now if my other Facebook friends would step up I wouldn’t have to write anything. That would definitely take the edge off the aging process.
Anyway, the column:
After a wild year, 2009 could get wilder
By Aaron J. BrownA year ago Barack Obama was still a long shot for the presidency. The Iron Range economy was surging with a global steel boom. Our three young boys seemed as busy as they could ever be. Well, all of that changed this year, rendering moot last year’s predictions of a Hillary Clinton vs. Rudy Giuliani election and a solid “Gold Man” statue next to Chisholm’s Iron Man. The boys are much, much busier this year and we’re not even close to suggesting that next year will be easier.
On the final Sunday of each year I’ve made a tradition of predicting events that will occur the following year. To be honest, these are often meant in jest, but I still get them right sometimes. For instance, last year I predicted that Minnesota’s U.S. Senate race would end in a complicated tie producing an effect similar to a swirling wormhole in the space-time continuum. That was supposed to be a joke but it ended up being the stud in my stable.
My predictions once again originate from the Oracle of the Sax-Zim bog, a haggard-looking woman with more unpublished volumes of poetry than original teeth. Each year she bakes a cake of dubious origin that contains parchment paper visions of the future. I’ve learned not to eat the cake but I sneak the predictions out in my shoe.
This year, the first batch of predictions came in the form of future newspaper headlines:
“Economy improves by default”
“Hot new toy actually large rock painted gold”
“Sarah Palin hosts Academy Awards; awkwardly hands Oscar to Sean Penn for ‘Milk’”
“Skunk elected”
“Tall beer not as tall as it thinks it is”
Headlines are easier to divine. From there we go into some of the more in-depth predictions:
For instance, the Oracle says that all Range school districts will pool resources to bus children to suburban schools with AP English and shop. These students will be turned away when suburban officials use a little-known but ultimately controversial application of California’s “Okies Go Home” Act of 1935. On the bus ride home, entrepreneurial students will close the Range schools’ budget gaps by counting cards at several tribal casinos.
Later, Range schools will receive another boon when a private study indicates that the decline in NHL attendance and TV viewership is directly related to declining enrollment on the Iron Range. A private foundation formed by French Canadian syrup magnates keeps local schools afloat.
Moving beyond education, 2009 proves to be a banner year for transportation projects. The federal stimulus plan allows the completion of four lanes along Highways 169 and 53 across the whole Iron Range. Having Chisholm resident Rep. Jim Oberstar (D-Minn.) at the helm of the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee helps make this happen. Any remaining funds will be spent on an additional third lane to be used by old pickups with unsecured loads.
Balsam boughs, gardens, venison, pawn shops and liquor stores again sustain the Iron Range through another recession. Good times will be ushered in by the resumption of spending on lobbyists, studies, consultants and vision statements. The circle will be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by.
Finally, reports that the newspaper industry is collapsing into a pit of financial doom are proven unfounded when it is learned that the newspapers can be used as both clothing and bedding.
Fact or Factish? Truth or truthiness? Only time will tell. All one can do is say, “One, it’s time for a new year.” Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve and a prosperous recession-proof 2009!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune. You can contact him or read more at his blog, MinnesotaBrown.com. His new book “Overburden: Modern Life on the Iron Range” is out now.
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