A whole (parking) lot of anarchy

This is my weekly column that ran in the Sunday, Jan. 18, 2009 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune:

A whole (parking) lot of anarchy
By Aaron J. Brown

Even here in Northern Minnesota, where we’re used to a cold, snowy winter, it takes time to fully adjust to winter driving. Drivers struggle with slippery intersections while enduring weeks of bare knuckle navigation before realizing that one should budget a few extra minutes to get to work each morning. Despite this, an ugly fact about human nature comes to light every time the ground turns white: Winter prompts parking anarchy.

A parking lot represents the simplest of modern concepts. It’s an open area where lines have been painted so that horseless carriages may be positioned efficiently. There are no mechanical devices to be employed, no “sensors” or “software.” It’s just a lot (for parking) with only one rule: stay within the lines. Those lines right there … on the ground. These lines are yellow and sometimes white, but always lines. In the late 20th century the idea of blue handicap parking lines was introduced, but even that is a relatively simple concept. Lines.

In northern Minnesota winters, those all-important lines are covered with hard packed snow that remains for several months despite the insistent scraping of plows. But everyone knows those lines remain right where we left them. Ninety percent of the folks who park in Northern Minnesota lots are the same people who parked in those same lots last summer, and yet, you’d never know. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend.

With no lines on the ground, people park diagonally in straight spots, straight in diagonal spots. They park just far enough away from the next car so that no car can fit in between, but far enough to suggest to the passing motorist that there might be a spot, BUT NOT FOR YOU. People create rows where there are supposed to be lanes, park on curbs, leave their vehicles running, nestle up against wind rows in the middle of the street while running some errand. No one cares. Everyone just joins in. If THAT guy is going to park like THAT I am going to PARK IN THE CITY HALL FOUNTAIN. No one can stop me. It’s winter, January in fact, and so cold that even diligent authorities look away.

The problem here isn’t just parking, it’s what this means about human nature. The snow we see today merely covers lines; it doesn’t remove them. Thus, I suggest that all people are looking for is an excuse, one tiny trigger, to abandon all rules of society. The place where I work has a large parking lot where a lot of people arrive at the same time each day. Normally, the system works just fine. But in winter, cars pour into the parking lot like locusts, swirling around each other in a menacing parking power struggle. No lines! Only force will rule!

What would we do if we were told that, for one day, there would be no police protection? I tell you what we’d do. We’d drive faster and steal stuff. And punch dudes right in the face, for no reason. More than usual! The philosophy of Immanuel Kant? The notion that if everyone could not sustainably do something then we, as individuals, should refrain from doing so as well? What? Sounds like book talk. Me park. Me park ANYWHERE! Ethics are the first thing to go when anarchy arrives.

The winter continues. Chaos will ensue until the temperature rises. But let this cold weather parking pandemonium serve as a grim warning to us all. Hope will be renewed only with the spring melt.

Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune and author of the new book “Overburden: Modern Life on the Iron Range.”