This is my weekly column for the Sunday, Dec. 27, 2009 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune. A version of this aired in Saturday’s episode of “Between You and Me” on KAXE. This prediction column has become my annual tradition and I hope you like it.
The future, thirty-style
By Aaron J. BrownThis is normally the week I dress in ceremonial overalls, march into the swamp and meet the Oracle of the Sax-Zim bog for my annual New Year predictions. I almost forgot because I’ve been a little distracted with my birthday coming up. My birthday always falls between Christmas and New Year, which means that usually no one cares about it, including me. There is no school, no party, no cupcakes, you get your presents – sale items, largely – in a used grocery bag out back as you leave the Christmas dinner. They don’t remember if they mailed a card and my heart rate is standing at 120 because I ate a pound of sliced cheese and a glazed ham, so who’s counting?
But this year I turn 30.
Round number birthdays are often pointed out as being notable, but unimportant. After all, how different is 31 from 29, really? Well, I’ll buck the trend and say that this one does matter to me. I’ve had 30 good years, including two interesting and wholly different careers, one happy marriage, three great little boys and a highly erratic body mass, currently trending toward the metabolic apocalypse foretold by my elders. My generation seems to hold a collective belief that these things aren’t really suppose to happen until age 30, so maybe now I can sit back and cash in on the 10 years of shiftless angst I apparently missed out on. I hear these video game things are quite entertaining and that there is an entire World dedicated entirely to Warcraft. Wow, that must be so unlike this current, actual world. I tell you what, either way I’m tired of thinking.
But, if the Oracle is to be believed, I’ll need my wits about me. This year I did not follow the deer paths through the swamps of Sax, to the old Finnish cabin where the Oracle serves me coffee made from the pre-9/11 Hills Brother tins with the Arabian guy on them. Instead, I met the Oracle in town at a bar where her moose-fur dress would blend in and her garter snake hair would lay flat in low light. Her 2010 predictions, as always, began with future headlines:
- “Angry mob demands clarification of its anger”
- “Irony of NBC’s new show “So You Want to Be a Gladiator” not to be discussed”
- “Tiger Woods mistresses form new political party, sweep midterms”
- “New iPhone responds to light, heat; nears consciousness”
- “Depressed doctor: ‘A few beers OK now and again’”
The more detailed predictions followed after the waitress re-filled the popcorn and brought us another round of the mead-like libation favored by the Oracle.
Despite the grim economic and political news of 2009, the new year will bring untold prosperity for everyone. Except newspapers. She was pretty specific about that.
Consumers balk at advances in digital television when they realize what their aging, bloated faces look like after Burt Blyleven circles them during Twins games. Blyleven’s beard will be broadcast in 3-D, allowing children to scratch it for good luck from the safety of their own homes.
On that topic, the Twins will finally figure out how to beat the Yankees in the playoffs when Derek Jeter succumbs to exposure in a 2010 divisional series game at the new outdoor Target Field.
Minnesota will elect a new governor to deal with its record budget deficits and crippling economic problems. The Oracle refused to tell me the person’s name or even their gender. “Don’t get attached,” she said. “They’ll be gone as soon as it’s warm enough to hop a box car bound for Out West.”
“But what about me?” I begged the Oracle. What of my life at this symbolic juncture of turning 30? I can’t sing, I can’t dance, my upper body resembles an uncooked turkey. This is not what pop culture promised when I purchased that flavored bottle of health water!
“Be patient,” she told me. “Any number of chronic illnesses are known to cause weight loss without changes in diet or exercise habits. You never know which one you might get.” Then she and her snake hairs all winked at me.
So I’ve got that going for me. Things are looking up!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune and author of “Overburden: Modern Life on the Iron Range.” Read more or contact him at his blog MinnesotaBrown.com.
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