O, Christmas Threat

Merry Christmas Eve to all! In honor of the season, enjoy this reprint of my 2006 Christmas column about Santa Claus’s night flight. Let’s hope Santa has an easier time this year!

O, Christmas Threat
By Aaron J. Brown

It’s Christmas Eve. My column is due and I am so hosed. I’ll just have to warm over something I’ve written about before. (Rustle, rustle, rustle). Oh, man. I’ve already been doing that for the last month!

Wait, look at this! How did I even get this? It’s a transcript of a radio exchange between the Air Force and the Homeland Security Department from today. I’ve been getting stuff like this since I changed my Yahoo user name to “loves_to_bomb_unstable_nations.”

Unbelievable! And to think, I was able to find this and write about it in time to appear in today’s paper. Why, it’s a holiday miracle!

24 December 2006; 15:00

USAF STRIKE FORCE LEADER: Base, we are 10,000 feet over the Strait of Denmark. We have visual on a UFO. Can you confirm?

BASE: Roger, Strike Force Leader. We show a faint signal from a UFO at your nine o’clock. Can you identify?

STRIKE FORCE: I was afraid you’d ask. You know how today is Christmas Eve?

BASE: Sure do. I’ve got a bowl of adults-only eggnog waiting for me after my shift.

STRIKE FORCE: Right, well, we have visual on a jolly elf riding a red sleight pulled by eight standard ungulates and one lighted ungulate.

BASE: Ungulates?

STRIKE FORCE: Hoofed mammals. I think these are reindeer. Anyway, Santa and his wing are flying mach one toward Greenland as we speak. Attempts to make radio contact have been met with carols.

BASE: Like, “Silent Night?”

STRIKE FORCE: I wish; it’s nothing but kids singing “Jingle Bells.”

It’s (garbled) really awful. They’ll be bearing down on New England in 30 minutes.

BASE: I’m patching you through to Homeland Security. They’ve been listening to your report.

HOMELAND SECURITY AGENT N.E. O’CONNER: Strike Force, does this elf look Arabic in any way.

STRIKE FORCE: Negative. This is Santa Clause. He is from the North Pole.

O’CONNER: Their powers of disguise are getting better. Strike Force, I need you to bring down this terrorist.

STRIKE FORCE: Bring down Santa Claus?

O’CONNER: To the sea. Light him up.

STRIKE FORCE: That doesn’t seem, uh, very Christmas-y.

O’CONNER: Strike Force, engage!

STRIKE FORCE: Roger. Strike Team, lock on. Fire! (pause) Report? Did he just throw candy canes at the missiles to misdirect them? Hey look.

He’s waving. He’s got a sign. What’s it say? “Merry Christmas, Strike Team. Please hold fire or Santa will put you on the naughty list.”

Base, I am not going on the naughty list. I’ve been helping old folks across the street all year long. I am not giving up my Nintendo Wii that easily.

O’CONNER: That’s a terrorist trick. Fire again!

STRIKE FORCE: (garbled) Fine, but you owe me a Wii. Strike Team, Fire Two! (pause) Report? Candy canes again! Oh, man. Look at Santa. He’s mad. Oh, he’s real mad …

SANTA (jamming signal): Ho Ho Ho! Santa’s not new to the skies, boys and girls. He’s got lots of presents for the good boys and girls of the world and he’s not going to let a little dogfight like this stop him. Hey, Strike Team. You’ll find your Nintendo Wii somewhere below in the Davis Strait. Ho Ho Ho!

STRIKE FORCE: No! Eject, Eject!

BASE: Flash dispatch cold water rescue team to coordinates (garbled)

O’CONNER: Are you running tape on this? You are, aren’t you? The War on Christmas has gone from cold to hot.

STRIKE FORCE: (tapping Morse code on an iceberg): C-O-M-E (pause) B-A-C-K (pause) S-A-N-T-A

Another retro column on tap for tomorrow. Merry Christmas, everyone!

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