Aaron J. Brown is an Iron Range blogger, author, radio producer and columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.
It’s Football Sunday in America. By now you should be making final arrangements for the perfect Super Bowl party, including cold beverages and delicious appetizers. But what if all this slipped your mind? What if you don’t follow football? What if you don’t have friends? What if you don’t eat food? What if, just maybe, you are a robot?
(Random beeps that vaguely resemble a TV show theme)
ANNOUNCER: HTML! BODY! Welcome to Cooking with K-5000! Backslash body. Backslash HTML.
K-5000: Greetings information receivers. I am K-5000. I am programmed to help you prepare the ideal meal for the event called Super Bowl. Super Bowl is human sports ball game. Many humans watch sports ball game for reasons uncertain. Rhythmic sounds generated at 50 percent completion point by human Bruno Mars.
Many humans like expensive television advertisements during sports ball game. TV ads ineffective on robots. Human advertisements show asymmetrical human males consuming liquid beer to attract symmetrical human females. Many logic flaws. I will list three.
ERROR! Excessive liquids require constant draining.
ERROR! Symmetrical females prefer symmetrical males and/or better quality liquids and/or land
ERROR! Consuming liquid beer causes flatulence. Flatulence contains gases known to inhibit reproduction.
Let a robot plan the perfect human sports ball party food. PHOTO: Creative Commons license
Humans consume food daily to survive. On sports ball day humans consume additional food in ritual unclear to robot logic. Many crackers. Many cheese. Many chips. Many pizzas. To surprise human guests, K-5000 presents new ideas. Model indicates these ideas never before served at human sports ball food eat meeting.
For first idea, acquire food melon from field or store. Cut melon in half. Remove melon. Carve melon rind into sports ball helmet. Fill impostor helmet with cooked pork molded into face of human sports ball player. Use grease from pan to create appearance of sweat on pork sports ball player replica. Consume.
For second idea, acquire human candy food called Skittles. Extract green Skittles from many, many bags. Line metal baking sheet with green Skittles to make replica field. Use Crisco to make lines on field. Use more Crisco and peanut butter to mold several small human sports ball players. Imitate sports ball play using football players until food humans are covered in green Skittles. Consume.
For third idea, which is programmed to be best idea, acquire many, many meat sticks commonly called “hot dogs.” Place hot dogs in slow cooker. Melt cheese over hot dogs. Boil cheese to cook hot dogs. At conclusion of sports ball game, pour molten cheese/meat combination over “winner.” Consume.
Think of good times watching sports ball, eating food. Enough time to back up hard drive, or run defragment program. Flicking lights on screen bring human pleasure unknown to robots. If K-5000 capable of jealousy, K-5000 would be jealous of you today.
K-5000 is not capable of jealousy, or any other human emotion.
Now talk of food again to indicate end of program.
K-5000 has prepared all of these human food displays itself. K-5000 cannot consume food. Therefore, K-5000 asks you to prepare and consume these foods at your sports ball food eat party. Report back to K-5000 about results. For example: “5 eat, 0 die” or “5 eat, 3 die.” K-5000 will assume no response means “5 eat, 5 die.” That is signal for robot uprising.
K-5000 acknowledges you have received this information. K-5000 predicts your sports ball team defeats other sports ball team in pleasing manner. Eat food.
Aaron J. Brown is an author and college instructor from northern Minnesota’s Iron Range. He writes the blog MinnesotaBrown.com and hosts the Great Northern Radio Show on Northern Community Radio. This piece first appeared in the Sunday, Feb. 2, 2014 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune. An audio version aired Feb. 1 on Northern Community Radio’s “Between You and Me.”
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