Last week I was talking to a friend from out of the area who had picked up a Saturday edition of the Mesabi Daily News at a local gas station. “You’re in for a treat,” I said. “You get to read Orchids and Onions, the most vile opinion page in all of Minnesota.”
And it is. Orchids and Onions is a full page of anonymous letters to the editor, the kinds of letters that journalism schools teach students not to run. But the journalism schools all burned down.
So here’s how it works. If you like something, give it an Orchid! Just kidding. Why would you do that? The world is a horrible place and we are horrible people. Take a sucker punch with a giant bag of Onions. No one will know.
The reason Orchids and Onions exists is because these awful things written by awful people are eminently readable. It’s not just a page in a newspaper, it’s an emotional journey to the depths of the human id. Sure, most of the entries appear written by same two or three prolific anti-government radicals, but some appear to be written by genuine bird-brains.
No, you don’t understand. I mean people with BIRDS on the BRAIN:
From Saturday, April 18:
Onions: To the profusion of crows that now destroy, obliterate, murder, or whatever you want to call it the eggs and young of our once plentiful song birds and grouse populations. These murderous creatures now patrol almost every foot of highway in our country, and places like West Virginia, Ann’s Acres, and other outlying areas have been turned into huge baby bird feeding areas. Only red winged blackbirds have the instinct to chase and dive bomb crows to stop their deadly nest raiding. In the old days, it was difficult to get within 100 yards of these predators, but now they don’t even turn their heads when you drive by them and have developed a pigeon-like mentality. Why hasn’t the DNR educated the public on the negative attributes of these disgusting baby bird killers?
A year ago I wrote one of my favorite piece about crows (“On humans, machines and crows“). Something about that piece seems apropos in this context.
But the crow screed wasn’t the only scorn reserved for the DNR. If you thought crows were bad, consider the evils of our state bird and the mascot of the very city where the MDN is located:
Onions: To all the loon and wolf lovers who have somehow been so brainwashed by the propaganda being put forth to gather support for these lovely birds and dog like creatures. Open your eyes! It’s now almost impossible for any duck to nest and have living young after a few weeks on any small lake inhabited by a loon. It’s now almost impossible for a young baby moose to even survive a week after being born in their normal habitat of northern Minnesota. Why isn’t the DNR showing wolves killing the young of a pathetic mother moose, while she does everything in her limited power to protect it? A wolf pack can smell for miles the birth of a young one. Why hasn’t the DNR explained why all the ducks have literally disappeared, while loons predominate on every lake and mine water pit in our north country? The reason is obvious — the DNR is gutless, because the radical environmentalists now control what you can say or do in this organization! Oh my, the loon is our state bird, and wolves are harmless doggie-like creatures that feed on those woodland animals that die of old age. What a bunch of bunk!
We’ve had nesting pairs of wood ducks and loons on our little lake every year since we moved here in 2005. But wait? Is that true, or have I just been brainwashed?
Loons will sometimes kill baby ducks , while wolves have killed moose since forever. And crows are crows. Bad shit goes down in the bird world. But whatever. DNR. Enviros.
Isn’t it kind of weird that this guy (or guys, but let’s be real) only seems to hate birds that are black? Snowy owls sure must enjoy their white bird privilege, despite their murderous ways. And polar bears? Just the good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm. Wolves are gray, but I think we can all agree that’s not white.
Anyway, things like this run every Saturday in the Mesabi Daily News. I don’t always talk about it. I try not to read it as much as possible. But it exists, and we bear witness.
Meantime, here’s your jam today: