The parasite debate

This is my weekly Hibbing Daily Tribune column for Sunday, June 15, 2008. I went a little crazy this week. This is the result of living in the deep woods of northern Minnesota and watching too much political news on cable.

The parasite debate
By Aaron J. Brown

Good evening and welcome to Nature’s Hall at the University of Northern Minnesota for this, the first of a series of important debates. We all know the stakes. The economy is sputtering. We are at war. But this summer, people here are struggling with something worse. Bugs that bite. We are joined by two candidates who both think they are the most effective parasite. First, we bring the opening statements. Mr. Tick?

TICK: My friends, we all know that there is nothing creepier than me, crawling up your leg, then your torso, then your neck, gradually your face and then into your hair where I will attach and gorge myself on your blood before detaching and reproducing at a vast rate.

And you, Mr. Mosquito?

MOSQUITO: My fellow northern Minnesotans, it is time for a change. It is time for a parasite that tells the truth. Every day, I make a soft but consistent buzzing noise that lets you know I am in the room. I fly erratically around your head, giving you warning of my arrival. And then I work hard, with the help of an organization of tens of thousands of everyday mosquitoes, to extract a small amount of blood from you that will be used to build our network of 21st century parasites.

MODERATOR: You are both well known in northern Minnesota. Every year, you and your kind emerge like buds on the trees. But what makes you the most effective early summer parasite? Mr. Mosquito, then Mr. Tick.

MOSQUITO: Everybody knows the unyielding strength of the American mosquitoes. You may swat me down, but there will be five more that rise up in my place. Swat them and 25 more will emerge from the bird bath in your back yard that you should have emptied out. But even if you do empty your bird bath, buy a bug zapper, burn citronella candles and spray yourself with bug dope, you’ll suddenly realize there’s a big itchy bump on your forearm. And somewhere, probably in that puddle behind your shed, I will lay 10,000 eggs to pave a path to the future.

MODERATOR: Mr. Tick, your response.

TICK: My friends, have you ever been sleeping safely in your bed, at night, when it’s dark, and felt a tick crawling on you? You probably brought that tick over to the toilet and flushed it down, or maybe you lit it on fire with a lighter. But then you went back to bed and it felt like there were a thousand ticks crawling on you, even though there probably weren’t thousands. Probably, it was just me. Crawling on you. At night. In the dark. Looking for a warm crevice in which to insert my mandibles.

MOSQUITO: While no one doubts my opponent’s record as a sneaky, blood-sucking parasite, I contend that effective parasitic activity requires full participation in the food chain. Mosquitoes are not only everywhere in northern Minnesota, they provide valuable food to frogs and dragonflies while ticks like you simply spread disease and creep people out. I mean, there’s a reason people just swat me and burn you with a lighter. That’s why …

(Dragonfly enters hall, eats mosquito).

TICK: My friends, that just proves my point. What good is a tasty parasite? Besides, it’s misleading to say that nothing eats a tick because we ticks actually have numerous natural predators, including some species of wasps and several kinds of bir …

(Bird flies into hall, eats dragonfly, then eats tick).

BIRD (to moderator): The feeder’s not going to fill itself, Hoss.

Seriously. A little seed here? (Pause). I’m sorry, did I interrupt something? Oh. Cameras.

Tweet, Tweet. Right, well, I’ll be going. (Flaps away).