This is my weekly column for the Sunday, Oct. 26, 2008 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune.
The scary season
By Aaron J. BrownHalloween is coming. This is one of those holidays that grew from bizarre, pagan origins to cultural mainstay and then descended back into debauchery. What am I saying? “One of?” It’s pretty much the king of such holidays.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an anti-Halloween extremist. I have many fond memories of dressing up for Halloween as a kid, trick or treating and gorging on candy until my kidneys glowed bright enough to be seen externally. I would eat candy corns, the leftovers of which are probably still being passed out today. Candy corns live forever, tasting just as bad today as they did in 1985 or the Middle Ages when they were used to repel marauders from the castle gates. But eat them we do, because it’s Halloween.
But somewhere along the line, Halloween became elevated to the ranks of top four holidays, the highlight of fall so long as you are a buxom young lady who enjoys wearing a tiny cat suit. Indeed, what was once just a fun time for kids and pagans has now become a costumed New Year’s Eve, charged with sexuality, booze and partying. Those are all good things, as far as I’m concerned, but I still fail to understand why I need to dress up as a cow, “love machine” or Richard Nixon to participate in those activities. Curse my logic.
The other day I heard a radio ad for a haunted house at a northern Minnesota casino. The ad extolled the scary things young children would delight in seeing at the haunted house, but was sure to indicate that “children would not be exposed to gambling.” Oh good. Goblins, zombies and simulated entrails are OK. But if Little Billy sees the “Deal or No Deal” slot machine he might really jump the moral rails. Remember kids, you should mentally prepare yourself for scenes of ritualistic murder, but should never play blackjack.
This year, Halloween is mixed in with the election, which raises the fear factor on the television set even more.
“John McCain will cut Medicare”
Argh! Throw garlic at him!
“Who is Barack Obama?”
Uh, he’s Barack Obama.
“Really?”
Yes, I’m pretty sure.
“Are you really, really sure?”
Yes.
“Well, did you know he is also a supporter of … the Chicago White Sox?”
No! Argh! Throw garlic at him! (Negative ad makers sure know how to hit everyone’s sweet spot. PS: Go Twins!)
Fear is the elixir of political campaigns. Invariably, half the country decides they don’t like either candidate (for reasons ranging from ideological purity to the major parties’ continued failure to nominate Walker, Texas Ranger). So if they aren’t motivated to vote FOR someone, they must be motivated to vote AGAINST the other candidate. This is why commercial breaks look and sound like 1980s science fiction movies, with ominous music in the background, red-tinted backdrops and snarling voiceovers extolling the demon-like nature of whoever we’re not supposed to vote for.
The best line I’ve heard so far was from a friend of ours who said, “I can’t wait for TV commercials to just tell me what to buy again.” I must admit, I’d buy just about anything for a sense of unity during the news.
In any event, whether the fear comes from Halloween or the election, try to stay safe and have fun this week. It’ll all be over soon.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune. Contact him or read more at his blog MinnesotaBrown.com. His new book “Overburden: Modern Life on the Iron Range” is out now.
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