Another throwback column to celebrate Christmas. Thank you to all who read and support this blog and my other writings all year long. May you have a joyous new year!
Santa’s Christmas punch list
By Aaron J. BrownDear Mr. Claus,
I am writing in regard to your recent Christmas delivery. People the world over enjoy your annual journey of love and generosity. I am, however, compelled to report some oversights by your organization in the Northeastern Minnesota distribution zone this Christmas morning.
Timmy, 15, of Hibbing, requested one (1) iPod Nano, but received one (1) iPod Nano with waxy ear buds. Wax likely originated from elf laborer, owing to peppermint taste and preloaded “quasi-Chipmunks” musical selection.
Sheila, 8, of Chisholm, asked for “Supreme Court Justice Barbie,” but instead received a “Supreme Court Justice Ken.” She already has seven of those.
Johnny, 14, of Keewatin, believes you made a mistake in his gift. He asked for “Halo 3,” not “Hello Kitty: the Game.” Also, what can you do to make Hello Kitty go away? Do you have to sign up for an expensive timeshare or something? Because I would.
Kimmy, 6, of Nashwauk, wanted a doll that could eat, sleep and wet. Instead, she received a doll that talked nonstop about these things but never actually did any of them. When she tried to throw out the doll, it cried and used guilt as a weapon.
Gus, 11, of Cherry, received a toy train handcrafted from wood. It ignited when he tried to plug it in. Gus now needs a new mattress, an oscillating fan and some Glade.
Beth, 5, of Hibbing, asked for world peace. While perhaps overly idealistic, your handwritten Orwell quote, “War is peace; Freedom is slavery; Ignorance is strength,” was both needlessly alarming and largely lost on your intended audience.
Walter, 4, was grateful for the teddy bear you delivered, but wonders why it was stuffed with what appears to be fingernails.
Caitlin, 10, received an iDog after seeing a demo version at a local store. However, she doesn’t remember the sample toy emitting a debilitating electrical shock from its iHindquarters every time it got excited. Hers does.
The children aren’t the only ones raising issue with your midnight run. Adults also advance grievances against you, Father Christmas.
Steve, 42, of Side Lake, advises you of the following: Just because a child asks for scotch, doesn’t mean a child should receive scotch.
Debbie, 35, of Marble, requests a new roof due to the damage she alleges you caused last night. She further believes the $50 you paid her son to “tell her it was a truck full of migrant workers” brazenly breached the ethical standards of your position.
Joe, 20, of Hibbing wonders why he always got socks and underwear when he was a kid, but since moving out on his own receives nothing but dirty socks and underwear.
Jane, 50, asks why your statistical model of measuring a child’s “goodness” always seems to mirror their parents’ social class. She also does not appreciate the “Your mommy is a commie” shirts featuring a smiling Bill O’Reilly you gave each of her children.
Mr. Claus, we’ve enjoyed your yearly visits dating back to the late 1800s, but fear that as Christmas has grown into a vast, commercial holiday season your attention to detail has slipped. We remind you of our vast military strength and the scant preparedness of your elfin militia at the North Pole.
Signed,
You know, the guy who got another shirt this year.
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