This is a post about carp

So let’s say, hypothetically, that there’s this species of carp, see. It’s from Asia, see. Asian carp. And unlike regular carp, Asian carp is very aggressive, generally wiping out all other species of fish it encounters by consuming up to 40 pounds of domestic fish a day. This carp can walk great distances, swim backwards, shift shapes, fly (see picture), avoid electronic detection, render itself temporarily invisible and break a cinder block with its fins. Its pectoral fins. It has mastered not only the difficult symbolic languages of most Asian tongues but also the Slavic family of languages including Russian and even some Finnish it uses during night raids into its Nordic duchy. It learned English from a book it keeps by its toilet, which is made of crappie skulls. Its faint accent, just perceptible enough to suggest memories from a haunted past, coos over the word “subjugate.”

Well, big shooter, that’s not hypothetical at all. In fact, it’s pretty much true by memoir standards. The asian carp infestation that’s been toppling ecosystems in American lakes, one by one, like dominoes in the opposite of East Asia, has now almost reached the Great Lakes. While that’s bad enough, it almost certainly portends an eventual attack by Asian carp here in Minnesota’s vast array of freshwater lakes.

Normally, we’d just start drilling for oil or something until all the carp were dead but apparently it’s not that simple. Matters of commerce and habitat are weighing on a multi-front legal battle over locks, dams and, of course, carp. Why do I know this? Because my Google search placement makes me a blogger of interest in the carp debate! I don’t know why. I just know that I’m getting personal e-mail from a lock and dam lobby. I thus assume that if I type carp three times in a row I’m a somebody.

Carp, carp, carp. It’s on! MinnesotaBrown is your new carp debate headquarters. Carpe carp!

In all seriousness, one unforeseen consequence of the anti-carp crusade is how commerce will be affected by the temporary closure or alteration to the Chicago locks, where many goods are shipped all over the world — including products of importance to Minnesota. On the other hand, carp!
They must be stopped!

(First photo by way of Riverlorian, click on link above for story/photo on second)


  1. Dude! I *knew* you’d have to write about this sooner or later! Dig the photo, but am curious as to whether it’s a really big fish, or a Lilliputian guy…..

    PS: Don’t you feel as though, with Lake Superior on the east and the Mississippi on the west, we are about to be surrounded? And with fish as aggressive as in the photo, that simply cannot be good!

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