Paul Ryan’s past littered with screeds on flatulence

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has selected U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate. Ryan, the author of the “Ryan Plan,” is a widely regarded fiscal hawk, whose controversial budget proposal included deep cuts to Medicare and other popular entitlements. Romney’s selection ensures that this central tenant of the modern GOP will be among the central issues in the 2012 campaign.

OK, I can’t do this anymore. There’s a lot of very intelligent analysis to be written, but it can’t come from here. See, here’s the thing. I went to college with Paul Ryan.

No, not the Paul Ryan who is now #2 on the GOP ticket. I’m talking about Paul Ryan, the kid from Richfield, Minn., who is now a t-shirt image licensing professional in Los Angeles, the same Paul Ryan who has written a column called Ramblings that has appeared in some sort of printed form since he was in high school. It may currently be read in Duluth’s Reader Weekly. Ramblings is among the most unrelentingly offensive things I’ve ever read, and I mean that as a compliment.

Paul Ryan writes about farts. No, not that Paul Ryan. The one I went to college with. He writes about farts, and sex, and drugs, and he probably said something awful about the town where you live.

Paul once doctored a benign family photograph of mine and doctored it to appear as though I was having relations with a platypus. This was pre-Facebook. Pre-Perry the Platypus. It was actually rather avant-garde, in retrospect. He did things like this with every friend, relative or authority figure in his life constantly. He has continued to use my name for fake quotes more than a decade after we left college. There are a lot of columnists like Paul at high school papers. Seldom do they continue into the author’s mid-30s. I have every reason to believe he’ll do this until he is very, very old.

I was editor of the UW-Superior student newspaper, the Promethean, and Paul’s column was a constant source of controversy. Actually, no. At some point the administration and angry student groups just gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. He put the chancellor’s picture on the old site “Hot or Not” and then compared his results to those of the highest ranking official on campus. He lost! He relished in the annual April Fool’s Edition, and wrote a review of nearly every bar in Superior, Wisconsin — some 75 plus — for one, single, solitary edition.

Paul is actually a talented writer and journalist, for real. He succeeded me as editor of the paper and worked in the industry for a time. I last saw him at a newspaper conference back in 2003, but we’ve kept in touch. I couldn’t be happier for him to have this opportunity to offend so many more new readers.

Anyway, I don’t know how long Twitter is going to let him get away with this, but here goes @mrpaulryan, with the account he held long before Rep. Paul Ryan was on anyone’s radar:

RT @mittromney On the deck of the USS Wisconsin with @mrpaulryan. He looks incredible in a speedo. #RomneyRyan2012
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 12, 2012

TWITTER.COM PLZ DELETE HEAT TWEET. BAD FOR CAMPAIGN IMAGE. MARK ZUCKERBERG PLZ DELETE TWEET.
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 11, 2012

TWITTER DELETE LAST TWEET
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 11, 2012

Goddamn, it’s hot as shit outside today.
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 11, 2012

America’s all right. I mean, China is more efficient and disciplined, but we’re okay too.
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 11, 2012

Day one is always the toughest. For instance, Mitt and I have found that this bunk bed setup just isn’t as fun and convenient as we’d hoped.
— Paul Ryan (@mrpaulryan) August 11, 2012