Advanced tech predicts Ojard’s replacement at Duluth port authority

Today it was announced that Adolph Ojard, executive director of the Duluth Seaway Port Authority, is retiring. Shipping is a big deal in the Twin Ports of Duluth, Minnesota, and Superior, Wisconsin, a vital transportation artery for the mining industry of the Iron Range and many agriculture and manufacturing interests.

It’s important that we know the port authority is in good hands once the capable Mr. Ojard steps down. That’s why I’ve hired a crack team of researchers to develop technology to predict the next hire for the port authority using only the fanciest of the fancy sciences.

First, let’s take a look at Ojard:


OK, got it. Now, Malory … Malory, can you lock cell 568 into the binary pandometer? Yeah, about 70 decijoules. There you go.

Next, let’s look at the previous executive director of the Duluth Seaway Port Authority, Davis Helberg. Helberg was a Duluth shipping legend who took the helm of the port authority in 1979. Here he is:



Great. Manmohan, load the polarity meters into the desceleron chamber. I figure, maybe 45 percent opacity? No, wait. Try 55 percent. Good. Very good.

Using our advanced technology we can now project with 98 percent accuracy who will be selected as the next executive director of the Duluth Seaway Port Authority.

Kendra, initiate magenta protocol. Ready? Go!



* Author’s note: I made this joke in a newsroom 10 years ago and I KNEW it would come back some day. (FIST PUMP)

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