The Hunt for Bork, Bork, Bork October

BorkThis week, Europe is on high alert after Sweden reported picking up a distress signal from a Russian submarine in its territorial waters. The Scandinavian nation has cause for concern because the loose Russian sub might contain nuclear materials or weapons. Further reports indicate some kind of strange foreign-flagged ship seen in the area, possibly connected to the sub. They’ve even evacuated parts of Stockholm.

For its part, Russia denies it is missing a sub, or that the sub Sweden saw is from Russia, or that it even had a sub anywhere near there. It must have been a Dutch sub, said the Russians. To which, the Netherlands replied “Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”

So, let’s talk about the valfisk in the simbassäng. It’s October and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE “THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER!” Except, you know, Swedish.

Now, I might not know much about submarines. Or naval strategy. Or oceans. Or Russia. I lack familiarity with the coastal villages of southeastern Sweden. True, the only Swedish I know is what I pick up from the Twitter feed of Aftonbladet culture writer Kristin Lundell, and true, she hardly ever writes about submarine maneuvers. My Swedish ancestors lived so far inland they didn’t see the ocean until they left for America, and then they never saw the ocean again.

Yes, yes, and yes, all of this means I am not the most likely candidate to tell the people of Sweden how to handle this situation. All that being said, however, did you realize I’ve seen the movie “The Hunt for Red October” at least five times?

So, for my Swedish brethren, here are my submarine-hunting tips. Free of charge, but when you bag that sub, I wouldn’t mind something shiny from King Karl XVI Gustaf.

  1. If you don’t speak Russian, just zoom in on the person speaking Russian until you’re really close to their lips, then when you zoom back out they’ll be speaking English. Or whatever you need.
  2. Muppets-Swedish-ChefDon’t trust the cook.

    But, then again, you probably knew that. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  3. If you have dreams of defecting to America to live in Montana and drive a pickup or maybe a recreational vehicle, you best keep that to yourself. That could become a dramatic element reintroduced later on, mostly likely not in your favor.
  4. At some point the Dutch will offer you a “submarine.” Don’t get it wet. Frankly, unless you have the next day off from work you should probably just say no.
  5. If an extremely attractive low-ranking government employee figures out where the submarine is located, be sure to drop him/her from a helicopter into the ocean near one of your ships. Then, when he/she gets fished out of the water he/she will be all wet. Oh, no! These clothes are so cold and damp! What are we going to do? This is the only way to transmit truly important messages.
  6. Allow unresolved tensions from the Great Northern War (1700-1721) to dictate your judgment in the routines of daily life.
  7. See, Sweden. This is what happens when you elect the three-party coalition comprised of the Social Democrats, the Greens and the Left Party, installing Stefan Löfven as prime minister on Oct. 3. Things would have been handled differently under the four-party alliance comprised of the Moderate Party, Liberal People’s Party, Centre Party and Christian Democrats led by former prime minister Fredrik Reinfeldt. But probably not the Swedish Democrats. Those guys sound like maniacs.
  8. When a submarine from a major world power fires a torpedo at you, be sure to turn into the path of the torpedo so you can run into it before the torpedo is “armed.”
  9. OMG, you didn’t actually do that did you? You DIDN’T. Jeez, that’s a TERRIBLE idea. You should NEVER do that.
  10. Careful, Jaacko. Not everything in here reacts well to bullets.

Basically, just look out your window, Sweden. If you see something like this following clip, call it in.

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