Welcome to the Iron Range Olympics

As we speak, the Summer Olympic Games are underway in Paris. This international exhibition of competition and sportsmanship also provides our quadrennial reminder of all the healthy choices in life we did not make.

For many of us on the Iron Range, our reason for not competing at the Summer Games is simple: they don’t sell Speedos in our size. Were it not for that, we’d slip into the still waters of the diving pool with all the grace of a bowling ball into a vat of butterscotch pudding.

But what if there was an Olympics for the Iron Range? The Olympic Games bring together people from all the nations of the world. The Iron Range is the home of immigrants from 43 nations who spent a century getting each other pregnant. Pretty much same, right?

So, which events would these Iron Range games feature? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Iron Range Olympics:

First up, pit jumping. Competitors dive off of successively taller mine pit cliffs. Judges declare winners according to wedgie depth. Scoring ends after someone’s girlfriend loses her swim top and four teeth.

Speaking of jumping, the Olympics loves putting hurdles in front of elite track athletes. You know, it seems like they’d be faster without them. So, in the Iron Range Olympics, the 200m hurdles event uses a skid steer to remove the hurdles. Technically, you don’t need a skid steer to do this, but it’s easier on the back. Remember, we’re on the clock, so it’s not a race, rookie. Easy does it.

Perhaps you’ve heard of “steeplechase,” where runners jump over various obstacles, including water hazards. In the Range Olympics, we’d watch “peoplechase,” a sport in which peace officers pursue inebriated teenagers into the swamp behind the gravel pit. Medals awarded to the first ones to make it home by following the railroad tracks by light of the moon.

The Olympics features dressage, a sport in which people train horses to prance in rhythm. The Iron Range Olympics would feature dress-upage, a sport in which wives teach their husbands to dance at weddings. Look at those lumbering beasts! How graceful they can be when trained properly. Be generous with the riding crop, m’lady, and reap the rewards.

Then, of course, we have “synchronized hmmph-ing.” A group of 2-4 competitors surround a non-working engine, small motor or industrial pump. With perfect precision, they each take turns performing the same unsuccessful repairs, saying “hmmph” to indicate the next person’s turn.

Team sports are an important part of the Olympics. At the Iron Range Olympics, participants in ATV polo strive to put the ball in the net. The ball is a case of MGD Light. The net is a garage fridge with a deer inside.

We all know the marathon as the signature Olympic event. This 26.2 mile run symbolizes an athletic feat from ancient Greece. In the Iron Range Olympics, contestants run the hockey practice marathon, delivering four children to four separate hockey practices at arenas spanning from Coleraine to Ely. Hockey might not be a summer sport, but nevertheless consumes 26.2 years of a parent’s life.

Next we have dock gymnastics. It’s not easy to unmoor a boat while the motor is running. Nor is it a sure thing to leap from the boat to the dock when returning from the lake. Dock gymnastics requires strength, grace and balance. Competitors twist and gyrate to tie off their pontoon boats before crushing their fingers or dumping grandma into the drink.

The javelin competition causes undue wear and tear on a perfectly good fishing spear. So, instead, the Iron Range Olympics makes use of those outlawed lawn Jarts you found in grandpa’s shed. Don’t listen to the Better Business Bureau. They’re not that sharp. Heck, they barely penetrated your muscle tissue. Stop screaming, kid. It’s a bleeder, but you won’t die.

Finally, in recent years, mountain biking became a major sport on the Mesabi and Cuyuna ranges. Thus, it’s a no brainer for the Iron Range Olympics. This is the only sport where we might let the tourists win. After all, they don’t know it yet, but they’re picking up the bill for this whole deal.

The best part about the Iron Range Olympics is that locally-mined iron ore feeds the steel mills that make the medals. Carbon, stainless and — for the best of the best — tool grade.

I’ll see you all on the fields of Olympia, which bear striking resemblance to the L&M parking lot.

Aaron J. Brown is an author and college instructor from northern Minnesota’s Iron Range. He writes the blog MinnesotaBrown.com and co-hosts the podcast “Power in the Wilderness” on Northern Community Radio. This piece first appeared in the Saturday, July 27, 2024 edition of the Mesabi Tribune.