Minnesota Brown

It’s tempting to imagine alternate realities. We hear talk of the “multiverse,” a philosophical theory suggesting that infinite parallel universes exist, one for every imaginable outcome. The animated show “Rick and Morty” explores the multiverse with hilarious nihilism. But that’s not the only place we dabble in the multiverse. You don’t have to be well…

When our boys were younger we went on vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota. We took them to one of those old timey Gold Mine attractions where they got to pan for real gold in authentic local sludge from a nearby creek. The tour guide told us we could keep any gold we…

People have an odd relationship with time. The future, as imagined, seems dreadful. Can’t believe how bad it will be, especially for other people, doubly so for the children. Maybe our children, but especially other people’s children. Those little bastards really have it coming. The past, meanwhile, was ideal. Don’t you remember how it used…

This isn’t the sports page, so I hesitate to talk about sports. Not everyone scorches time tracking the intricacies of professional athletics. There are more important things in the world, such as gambling and Netflix.  But I think everyone understands the nature of disappointment and suffering. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we’ve all stared…

“Grey’s Anatomy” is a lie, I tell myself. There is nothing less sexy than an actual hospital. Soiled linens. Tubes pumping who knows what into heaven knows where. Some patients gasp for life; others whine for a better breakfast. Beleaguered staff members might collapse in a heap were it not for the slurry of adrenaline…

If an abuser can’t control their partner, they might instead try to control their reality. To control reality is the ultimate power, one easily exploited in the wrong hands.  So it can’t possibly be a good sign that the Merriam-Webster Dictionary lists “gaslight” as its 2022 word of the year. Nor can we be any…

As Dec. 25 approaches, regional writers of my ilk begin searching for whimsical ways to describe a Christmas holiday that so dominates America’s public calendar. In previous years I’ve penned stories about my kids, shared my own Christmas memories or tried my hand at holiday farce.  Obviously not everybody celebrates Christmas in the religious sense,…

I’ve been seeing a lot of cable television ads for motion-detecting LED lights. Apparently, we all desperately need to flood our yards with torrents of photons upon even the slightest provocation. Consider the homeowner’s greatest known threats, a garden-lusting rabbit or a bumbling potential thief (wearing a tight fitting knit cap so you KNOW he’s…

We know the philodendron as a pleasant, low-maintenance plant suitable for shady gardens and indoor display. But have you ever wondered what it could do with a machete? Now we don’t have to guess. Visual artist David Bowen recently rigged some sensors to read the natural electrical impulses of a plant, in this case our…

Back in the 1960s, my grandfather deployed a simple fix for an old septic system prone to freezing during a particularly frigid northern Minnesota winter.  Anyone who’s experienced a frozen septic system knows why this is important. It’s the difference between pouring coffee into a mug and pouring a chocolate milkshake onto the bathroom floor.…

The people of northern Minnesota spend most of the year trying not to hit deer. Our eyes carefully sweep the tall grass along country highways and wooded streets. Reflectors on mailboxes cause us to lay heavy on the brakes, fearful that deer eyes are staring back at us, ready to run out. Quite often the…